Life – Gerald Chow

Reflections of a 30+ “Youth”

As I’m nearing my mid 30s, I’m forced to consider that I am perhaps not as young as I would like to think. Sure, I know I’m not old, but I am no longer the inexperienced, green, young upstart trying to figure out my way around life. I’ve read a lot of articles with titles like “Things you should accomplish by 30” etc, and honestly I feel that it’s worth having my own personal reflections on what it means to be in my 30s.

Generation Gap

For the first time in my career, I’m actually feeling a generation gap. I’ve always thought of myself as a newcomer to the working world, but having fresh graduates in the team and trying to relate to them has proven a bit of a challenge. I’m painfully aware of how I am in a different phase of my career and life, and they are all new and a little wet behind the ears when it comes to the working world. It actually caused me to pause and reflect as I was probably just as positive and hopeful once, and I need to occasionally curb my cynical side a little more. Naturally, I tell myself that I’m being “realistic”, but it is also possible that I am just being pessimistic about things.

Expecting a certain level or professionalism may seem like a high expectation, but I have discovered that smart, young talents are usually hungry to learn and grow, if they are given a certain amount of guidance. Most of them seem to appreciate what we are trying to accomplish, but it is also true that many of them have been fed the myth of “landing that dream job”, but don’t seem to have any idea what it is they actually enjoy or what that “dream job” looks like. In these instances, it can be an exercise in futility to motivate them, even if it is just to stay and finish the project so they can discover for themselves whether this is truly what they like or not like.

As much as I hate labels, I must admit that many of them are a little on the soft side, and calling them the strawberry generation is quite apt in my opinion. Undoubtedly, this does not apply to all of them, but when you see so many of them give up the moment things get a little bit challenging, you start to wonder how things would be so much better if they had cultivated just a little bit of grit. It might not be a fair comparison since circumstances were different back when we graduated, but if things are as challenging as claimed in this generation, with most not able to enjoy the same privileges as their parents, then they shouldn’t give up so easily. I’d like to think a lot of things can be considered learning experiences, but this is not a generation of people who will hunker down and push through. Some might, if a lot of time and effort is invested into them first, and it might be a symptom of the lack of trust they have with current establishments.

Inert Stability

Aiming to transition from “young upstart” to “mid career” has been a great motivator because it allows me to have an ever curious, ongoing desire to learn. I do not ever feel that I have arrived, and this has helped me to grow so much over the years. However, I’ve recently realized I have had to, with increasing frequency, remind myself that I have a lot of experience under my belt and to tap into that when necessary. This is especially true as I am building my team, and while there is still a lot to learn, I need to have a stronger mindset of confidence and self assurance in the work that I have done over the past 10 years.

On hindsight, I realized that my initial few years of working was a time when things were quite uncertain, and despite that, I was quite bullish on taking on new challenges as long as I had the appropriate support. This has always scared me a little because I had no experience to rely on, and pushed through with just a hunch and willpower most of the time. Now however, things are different because problems are solved strategically, based on sound advice and experience. Although there are always new challenges, the approach to tackle them seem to stem more from building on past experiences rather than pure speculation and guts.

I have yet to determine whether this is necessarily a good or bad thing, and I think the truth is that being open to both the risky, YOLO-style approach as well as the calm, collected and conservative approach gives me a depth and flexibility in facing and solving new challenges that I never had before.

Overall, it is very rewarding to mentor someone and watch them grow, and the experience, knowledge and expertise gained has been invaluable in helping groom someone else. Replicating yourself has its perks and I can see why many successful people feel the need to coach and mentor others. I’ve had the privilege to be mentored by others as well, and I can truly say it is one of the key things to help a person grow in his/her career.

Humility

I think I’m quite self effacing, but I also know that with a lot of experience comes a certain amount of pride. In the right doses, pride can be a good thing as confidence and knowing who you are and what you can accomplish builds you to face more and future challenges. However, it is also easy to fall too far, thinking that we have done so much, that we sometimes forget that humility is where we learnt and gained those that makes us so proud of. I’m happy to say that I have not done everything myself, but by standing on the shoulders of those who are older, more experienced than I.

Seeing many who are young, energetic, hungry and hopeful, helps me realize that I cannot rest on my laurels and become a cynical old man (as many “more experienced colleagues” I’ve had are wont to be). I was once like them, and while I might not be in the same position as them now, I remind myself to always retain that drive and persistence. I have never looked down on those who are young, but I do pity those who seem to waste those youthful times. It is a time of opportunities and unlimited potential, and what I wouldn’t give to retain what I know now, turn back time, and do it all over again.

So I have to stay humble, as it is with having these young ones around that I can learn those lessons again, be reminded again, and keep that youthful enthusiasm going. The moment I find myself looking down at a whole generation for being young is when I know I have lost my own edge.

Conclusion

I know I’m not as young anymore, but that is just relative. I am naturally still much younger than many others, with a long journey still ahead of me in my career and in life. Growing and maturing is one of my key tenets in life, and I never want to stop doing that. It’s definitely the easiest to keep it up by framing your thoughts and identity as being “young”, because then you will never feel the need to stop learning.

In the meantime, I’ll just enjoy the fact that I’m doing decently in my career, while still young enough to be gaming, and thoroughly loving it.

Now, if only my wife could see it the same way…

Having a growth mindset

I've been thinking recently about how I haven't been progressing as much as I would have liked to these past few years. Part of it could simply be attributed to the fact that I've had a pretty eventful few years getting hitched, getting my own place etc. However, a conversation today triggered my memory of how I told myself I would keep growing and keep improving, and I need to make sure I get all the help I can get to do that.

One of the key factors for growth (and I mean the kind of growth that includes the expansion and maturity of your mind and soul) to me, is actually what you constantly feed your mind with. This is one of the reasons I love reading. It expands your thinking and mind, and encourages new ideas, new perspectives. I love it so much, that I quite often hear complaints from the wife that I'm too engrossed in reading, and "neglecting" her (and I assure you I have absolutely no intention of doing so).

The challenge with reading, though, is that once you reach the end of the article / book / text, you are usually stuck with the "what now?" question. For example, block chain is the newest topic that's hot everywhere, and reading up about it is really interesting and insightful, but after you have read and understood it (at least a bit more than before you read it), what do you do now?

To me, I always reflect on how this can impact me. In the case of block chain, the obvious answer to "what now", is "so should I start investing in Bitcoin / Etherium?" Coming to this point is something that I can definitely do fairly consistently, but it's the next step that stumps me quite often.

You see, I have done a lot of introspection, and knowing myself, I always need to talk to someone about these new ideas, and gain further perspective on how / why we can consider pursuing them further. The problem, however, is that you can only have those levels of sharing with someone who has the same level of interests or thinking as you do, and that requires you to have a group of forward thinking, worldview challenging, and matured people around you, consistently interacting and influencing you. It's very true that you should choose who you hang out with because they will either challenge you to grow, or cause you to stagnate in your thinking.

In a way, I seek assurance in any new venture by bouncing my ideas off of others, and it is therefore crucial and essential for me, as a person, to always have people to talk to who can elevate my thinking and perspectives. I need mentors in my life to be able to help me grow in many areas. It is this understanding of myself that leads me to feel fairly frustrated at this point because I feel I don't really have many people like that in my life now, and it is not for the lack of trying.

Just to clarify, I'm not talking about getting someone to tell me step by step what to do, but in any kind of mentoring or discipleship, a lot is imparted simply in the constant interaction because the reinforcement of new ideas happens then. For me personally, I need a certain level of reinforcement to induce an action on my part – again because I understand myself not to be someone who can throw myself into something just like that. A lot of thought needs to go into it first.

So now comes the most difficult part: Actually finding the right people with the mindset and thinking who can, and more importantly, are willing, to build that relationship and connection. It might sound a little selfish, but I'd really like to be able to find someone to encourage me and help me grow. All I can say is that on my part, I think I can also help others grow and sharpen their minds and thinking as well, assuming we can find that common ground.

It would be an investment of time and effort from both sides, but I do believe it is well worth it, if growth is a priority.

Taming the Mammoth

This article really struck a chord with me. To quote the article, we all have “an irrational and unproductive obsession with what other people think of us.” Especially in Asian culture, inclusiveness and minding what others think dominate so much of what we do. It’s a really good article and I’m not going to repeat it here. You should go read it. You should read it, now.

Plus, the cartoons are cute!

Introverted Intimations

I recently read Quiet by Susan Cain and I must admit I was pretty blown away. I can’t remember the last time I read a book that made me scream on the inside “Yes, that’s me!” so many times. It made me reflect on many things, providing perceptions that are both old and familiar yet refreshingly new at the same time; Like a long lost friend I haven’t spoken to since high school. It argues about how we subconsciously place higher value on extroverted qualities, and I must admit it struck quite a chord with me.

Let me be the first to say that despite what those who know me in real life may think, I’m a classic introvert. I find it draining to be in social situations even though I may enjoy it. I like connecting with people, but more on an intimate one to one level. I have to constantly psych myself up to approach someone new and say hi, especially in a group setting. The scary part is that I’ve gotten so comfortable consciously doing it that I may not even realize when it happens. It is only when I reach home after a full day of interactions which may have been enjoyable, but still find myself exhausted that I have to conclude it takes a lot out of me to be social.

I think I seem extroverted at times because appear unafraid to step out and speak up. It might appear that I do it naturally, but I am not immune to the butterflies, nervous bouts, and anxiety. It is not uncommon for me to start coughing due to nervousness just before going on stage. My trepidation is something I have learned to deal with. Once I am up there, it becomes a lot easier. I’ve always pushed myself this way because I believed being unable to stand up and say something is a sure way of ensuring problems never get addressed, and I dislike not at least TRYING to fix something wrong.

“America had shifted from what the influential cultural historian Warren Susman called a Culture of Character to a Culture of Personality”

“In the Culture of Character, the ideal self was serious, disciplined, and honorable.”

“But when they embraced the Culture of Personality, Americans started to focus on how others perceived them. They became captivated by people who were bold and entertaining. “The social role demanded of all in the new Culture of Personality was that of a performer,” Susman famously wrote. “Every American was to become a performing self.”

Excerpt From: Cain, Susan. “Quiet.” Crown Publishing Group, 2012-01-24. iBooks.
This material may be protected by copyright.

PERSONALITY VS CHARACTER

I'm an introvert and that's okay! — I’m an introvert and that’s okay!

I think it is pretty easy to confuse personality with character. Granted, it isn’t easy to tell the difference. There are many people who have magnetic personalities, whose words and actions just seems to draw people to themselves. They project confidence and strength, which allows them to often be successful especially in the corporate world. Unfortunately, a strong personality is no guarantee of a strong character.

There are probably some better reads out there that differentiate the two. A simple search yielded results such as this, this and this. One has to do with image and perception of others, whereas the other has to do with beliefs, morals, values and attitudes. Personality has more to do with portrayed charisma, confidence, energy, intellect and passion. Character on the other hand, is harder to discern, and usually surfaces only when a person faces a challenge in life.

This falls within the spectrum of introversion-extroversion where a person may naturally tend towards a certain type of personality. Some are more talkative by nature, and connect well with others very easily. This is no guarantee that the person is honest, virtuous, or has a dependable character. Similarly, some may seem aloof or even indifferent, yet show great depth of character when the situation calls for it. Unfortunately, in our world currently, we tend to psychologically link them together, even though there shouldn’t be a correlation between the two. In the end, whether or not one has an attractive personality, I believe it is more important to understand the underlying motivation, which has to do with values and thus the emphasis on character.

WHAT THIS MEANS TO ME

When identifying personality traits, it is always important to realize that it is never always a “good” or “bad” thing, but rather just different approaches to the way we relate to others. While someone may be introverted, there are times when it is necessary to step out and be bold in interacting with others, and the truth is even introverts crave the connection because we aren’t really meant to be alone. On the other hand, extroverts may find the value in taking some time out and having “alone time” to reflect a little by themselves, and rely a little less on external stimulus.

Understanding my Myers-Briggs personality trait (you can check yours here), I can relate to the fact that different people have different preferences, tendencies, and comfort levels. By understanding the differences, it helps us not to see others only through our own lenses and expectations, but temper it with some tolerance and acceptance because we realize how we are all different individually, and the world is a much better place because of this.

After all, I don’t think I would stand it if everyone were like me.

Banana Chinese

Let’s set the record straight, I’m of Chinese descent but:
I don’t speak Mandarin.
I don’t know how to read or write Chinese characters.
My skin is yellow, but I’m white on the inside.
In other words, I’m what many would consider a banana.

I grew up in a place where Chinese culture is very prevalent despite being a minority group. Ironically, even though we were born and raised here, many of my fellow Malaysian Chinese identify first as a Chinese, and THEN as a Malaysian. To some degree I can understand – after all being born Chinese is something none of us have a choice over, but nationality is something we can choose later on when we grow older. But more than just ethnicity or genetics, it is also a conscious choice of culture, and a melting pot like Malaysia seems more like a salad bowl – each part is still distinctly different.

Being Chinese in Malaysia (and to a lesser extent, in Singapore) automatically predicates you speak and understand it. I’ve lost count the number of times I’ve heard the phrase, “Eh, you don’t speak Chinese?” This is typically followed by a dropped jaw and an incredulous look, as if I were a cat which nonchalantly stood on its hind legs and started quoting philosophy. The difficult part is the follow up; “Chinese must learn how to speak Chinese-Mah!” as if I was somehow incomplete or defective because I didn’t.

I grew up speaking English at home, Malay in school and nothing else. Sure I understood Cantonese – my parents speak it at home too. But I am primarily an English speaker; I think in English and have conversations with myself in English (not out loud of course). I had some exposure to Mandarin, but it never really took root, and I felt no affinity with the language. I spent most of my childhood reading both English and Malay (translated) books (library visits was a weekly thing).

I’m quite proud to say I think my command in English more than makes up for my lack of proficiency in a third language. As a result, the cultural input I consume is more Western, and I identified more with Star Wars, Back to the Future, MacGyver and Wheel of Fortune than the Four Heavenly Kings concert or any other Hong Kong drama. Ironically, the only way for me to watch any Chinese show (Mandarin or Cantonese) for the longest time was to read the Malay subtitles!

Most of my friends in high school (secondary school) were like me: Bananas. The good thing was that we got along with everyone regardless of ethnicity because we all spoke English as our primary mode of communication.
Even then, I felt many of those who came from a Chinese educated background was different – they had different values and perspectives. It made me question what it meant to actually be Chinese.

Don’t get me wrong. It’s not like I don’t enjoy Chinese New Year and all the practices, symbolism, tradition and good food that goes with it. It’s a time when the only thing running on television is variety and celebrity shows of famous actors, singers, hosts etc and then some nice Chinese movies (hooray for subtitles!) in the evening. I just find myself questioning a lot because I really don’t identify with a lot of that. I can’t enjoy it because I don’t understand it. I feel a lot happier and “in the mood” during Christmas, although that’s more likely because I’m a Christian. But I’m Chinese too, and the difference is that I can identify and understand Christmas to the fullest, which isn’t the case with the Lunar New Year.

So what am I actually rambling on about? I consciously feel that I’m not fully “Chinese” in a cultural sense. I’m not fully liberated from the traditional beliefs, views and norms of being Chinese. I’d like to think I’m more liberal and “Western”, but that’s simply untrue. The truth is I fall somewhere in between, never quite fully “Chinese” and being able to identify with the way other “more Chinese” people here think, believe and act, yet not able to let go fully of the same traditions and embrace a fully Western worldview. As a result, I often feel confused and wonder about my identity in this area.

I think it’s a unique position and for me, I reconcile it only be choosing what I believe is the best of both worlds. I admire the respect and honor prevalent in East Asian cultures. I also feel being able to stand up and speak out is important, something Western ideals embrace but is harder to be accepted in Eastern ones. The strange dichotomy provides a unique perspective many wouldn’t be able to fully grasp. Thankfully, I think there is a significant number of Anglo-educated Chinese here who share this viewpoint – and it is with this group I identify best with.

Question now is, where are the people in this category and why don’t I know more of them? 🙂